For the last few weeks, Kyleigh has been down-in-the-dumps. She has been moody and at times, volatile; flying off the handle at the slightest inclination that she is being mis-treated.
Last night after dinner, she came and stood next to me at the sink, rested her elbows on the counter, and put her head in her hands. After asking her repeatedly what the matter was and being told repeatedly it was “Nothing; I’m just feeling depressed.” Obviously, I thought to myself, she isn’t connecting her feelings with any particular happenings in her life.
Time to dig deeper. I knew she had been extraordinarily sensitive at home, but she seemed to be having ordinary days at school. Grades are good, social life is thriving. Maybe it’s hormones. It was time for The Book.
By 9:00, we’d made it through exactly half of The Care and Keeping of You. Like any parent does after disclosing the five phases of breast growth to their child, I asked her if she had any questions upon marking our page and closing the book. Like any pre-pubescent girl does, she sort of sat in silence, playing with my costume jewelry collection, looking reflective.
The Talk started with the usual questions. “How long did it take you to go through puberty?” “How did you know you were going through it?” “When did you start your period?” “Did you ever stuff your bra?”
We had a frank, open, and by all accounts great conversation about puberty. Feeling accomplished and proud of my daughter, I began to ask her about her earlier mention of depression.
And then it happened.
She began to cry. She began to recount events at school during which one particular girl has bullied her incessantly. Maurice and I were aware things of this nature were happening and have taken measures to protect her, but we weren’t even aware of the true scope of the bullying, the way it was affecting Kyleigh’s psyche, the way it was causing her to doubt herself and her ability to stand up to the bully she faces every day.
Statiscially, bullied people are prone to depression, defeat, and further victimization. Until now, Kyleigh has remained steadfast in who she is and what she likes and dislikes, and has voiced her thoughts openly. Lately, she says she has felt like being quiet and “not being herself” — the path of least resistance — is proving to be more helpful in avoiding bullying. But whenever this girl’s appetite for teasing, taunting, and violence needs quenching, she goes right for Kyleigh’s jugular.
I asked her if she thought it would be pertinent that I speak to the principal, and her reply was unsteady. She actually feels like speaking to an admin staff will only perpetuate the bullying coming from this girl, and that maybe she should just find a way to make her stop by “just not talking” in front of her. That particular disclosure broke my heart.
Here is my strong-willed kid, slowly being chipped-away at by one ignorant, jealous, ill-tempered little girl. Being defeated by bullying. Simply telling your daughter not to allow this person to break her is not sufficient. Getting emotional about it isn’t going to help either, however sad and angry it made me feel to hear my larger than life daughter confess to the amount of fear she feels every single day when she goes to school.
All sadness aside, I have learned a few key things through my heart-to-heart with Kyleigh.
The direct path to inquiring about your child’s depression might not be the best approach, as proven by my first attempt to find out what was the matter with Kyleigh. Sometimes you have to work it out of your child, because he or she may not even be aware of how negatively one seemingly-small issue is affecting them. The pain is not always localized.
Bullying doesn’t just affect a kid temporarily. It affects them long-term, and it’s not a band-aid fix. A mixture of advocacy and constant positive re-enforcement is necessary to counter the negative effects of bullying.
As a whole, we as educators, administrators, parents, and the public MUST adopt a no-tolerance policy for bullying.
It starts at home. I can sit around and I can hope and pray that my daughter grows up to be the wonderfully creative, beautiful, insightful, intelligent person that she is. I can hope that she fights bullying with the vengeance of self-success; that she doesn’t carry a chip or lash out at another person the way she has been lashed upon. I can hope all of those things.
Or we can act. We can tell her every day that she is wonderful, deserving of better, and capable of rising above the crappy treatment she receives at the hands of misguided people. We can advocate on her behalf at school; if for no other reason, to show her just how important she is, how deserving of proper treatment she is. If she is feeling too weak to champion for herself, we can come in and act on her behalf. And all the while, we will let her know how awesomely amazing she is, so that when she is feeling stronger, she will be able to pick up her own self-advocacy.
Long-term victimization? Not on my watch.
Ridiculous Google Terms That Have Led People To This Site