In no particular order:

*I love the Head Start pre-school program that the twins are in, but they want me to do stuff like let them paint with dental floss. Do you know that if I let Hannah and Chloe paint at home with floss, they would be running around with Rainbow Brite grills?

*Also, I realized today that 27 Valentines multiplied by two (for each twin) equals something like 54 valentines to send out to various other preschool students and staff at my daughters’ school? Naturally, I realized this in a rather delayed fashion, thus I was forced to go about town in search of more valentines while sporting navy blue running tights and grey wool socks. Sexy. But at least my twins each have their own set of cards to hand out tomorrow.

*Speaking of Valentines Day cards, can I just say that next to the obvious fact that I get a gift, I really dislike this particular holiday? Flowers are stupid in my opinion, as are the sappy love notes. Having an awesome husband whose constant stream of love and affection probably makes me not the best candidate for support of over-the-top V-Day PDA. After all, it’s not a day for making up for lost opportunities to shower your mate with affection. Just bring me some damn chocolate, okay?

* I have a real problem with the bloggers in the world who appear to believe that displaying photos of themselves in various emotional states acts as a post-bolster. Let me tip you: if your writing is so indulgent and lacking in verbs that you need to post photos of your facial expressions in order to convey feelings, you should just probably keep a journal. Nobody actually cares what your anxious face looks like.

In lieu of that, I give you my “Head Start Is Too Idealist and Valentine’s Day is a Guilty Consumer Trap and Holy Shit, It’s 11:30 and I Have an English Paper Due in the Morning and OHMYFUCK I Am Out of Coffee and Ohhhhh Right I Got This New Cool Shirt the Other Day, You Gotta See It!” face:

Bam. I am so special.

*I made the mistake of allowing Kyleigh and her friends to watch Netflix episodes of Toddlers in Tiaras during a slumber party last Friday; now all three of my girls are walking around with Texas hair, courtesy of a Conair curling iron and the can of Aqua Net I didn’t even know I owned until I tried to remove the one million bobby pins from Chloe’s hair and the pins stuck to my fingers when I tried to drop them onto the counter.

*Every time something goes wrong with our hot water heater, the proverbial shit hits the figurative fan in the midst of one of my much anticipated post-workout showers. If you live in an area where the winter temperatures reach sub-zero, do not endeavor to own a propane hot water heater, and if you are a renter, encourage your landlord to do the same. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself naked in a glacial shower, near tears and covered in dried workout sweat, numb from the waist down, your hair still soaked in 40 degree water mixed with shampoo suds, wondering how in the world it is possible for body parts to become so cold that they burn.

*Also, I’ve decided to turn the republican debates into a drinking game. Every time a candidate refers to poor black people as “the urban population” or the president as “the food stamp president” or the gays as…whatever passive aggressive derogatory term they pluck from the Bigot Dictionary of Terms, I am going to take a shot of vodka. I should have thought of this weeks ago! I would have been drunk at least one night a week for like the past three?

*Please, navigate to the page beneath my header that says, “Ridiculous google terms that have led people to this blog”, or whatever it says. You will not be disappointed. The sad part is, there are so many more that I never wrote down, and that are now lost in the Feedjit feed.

*Also, I’m still waiting for someone to correctly guess the artwork featured in my new header. Not only does the winner get something cool from me; whoever you are will have earned by unending respect. (Unless you’re one of those fucking weird people who stumbles upon my site by googling stuff like, “clown costume dildo” and “poopy table”.) You will have earned my respect because (a) you are sane and (b) that means you have excellent taste in abstract pieces. And that’s enough hinting around for now. PS. It’s an awesome prize.

I think I should make a randoms tag on my homepage. In fact, I think my entire website needs a face-lift. I wouldn’t even know where to begin….

Dear French Canadians, Why is it that the vast majority of you seem to have contempt for other human beings, in a general way? Because I swear, if I have to walk my cart around the aisle at 3 Bears because yours is blocking it, only for you to get all up in my face when I happen to accidentally be in your way, I’m physically assault one of you with my shopping cart, and as I saunter off with my five whining kids, I’ll ask you in my best southern-fried accent, “Parlez vouz AMERICANO, MOTHER FUCKER?”

I just drank some haterade: Why do people have to go all ruination on Adele’s perfection by adding techno beats to her music? Some re-mixes should never be made, and some music should remain untouched. Whatever happened to simplicity? Why must we take perfectly pleasing music and turn it into gym-beats??? If Adele’s music is meant to do Zumba to, then Bruno Mars’ music is made for sexin’ to. Ew.

Sometimes I watch Fox News for fun. Today I got a kick out of mocking The Five’s discussion of cultural integration classes at liberal universities. Mostly, though, I just laughed out loud at the ridiculousness that is Kimberly Guilfoyle. She is just too much for me: the giant hair, the plastic face, the outfit that makes her appear more as a Hooters employee than a talking head…If you are wondering where the Zombie Apocalypse is going to take place, you can switch your TV to Fox News right now.

Today I created for myself a makeshift shoe closet. I was tired of my good shoes being tossed into a bin and difficult to pair up, so I cleared a built-in bookshelf and made a new home for all my heeled shoes. What is it when a woman creates a shoe closet in the same room that contains the snakes’ habitat? It is how I roll; that’s what it is.

*Originally I was planning to attend a choral society concert this afternoon during the Super Bowl….and then Maurice came home with a cheese and cracker tray, and donuts, and ice cream, and cheese cake, and fresh raspberries….

*Earlier this morning, Joshua called out to me from the living room, “Mom! Mom! I need you to read the yellow letters for me!” It was the opening credits to Star Wars Episode VI. I like to think I did a bang-up job on the narration.

*I’m not normally into gory movies, but I could watch Zombie Land at least once a week for the rest of my life.

*I am not really a passionate fan of any NFL team, so the Super Bowl mayhem does not really invade me. I like to root for the underdog, and that’s why I am going for the Packers. Plus, they’re just a much more deserving team.

*Kody and Kyleigh’s piano teacher told me yesterday that my homework is to make sure they are practicing piano half an hour, five days a week. It is weird when you realize that, as parents, you’ve gone from sole proprietors of feeding/diapering/etc. to delegator of chores, orchestrator of piano practices, and chauffeur to various events. That’s kind of a big change; one that I welcome.

*Which brings me to the reflection of joy that in a few short years, I will be able to force/bribe my son to take grocery store trips for me. Of course, that’s assuming we survive puberty.

*I’ve been downloading old music today. Beatles, Eric Clapton; and Mom, this one’s for you: Rod Stewart, Maggie May. Possibly one of the best songs every made.

This is me. In this photo, I am immersed in a game of Tetris. Ever since I discovered the Tetris iPhone app a few weeks ago, more of my spare time than I am willing to own up to has been consumed with rotating, lining up, and stacking those seven shapes. The height of my success so far is making 98 lines at level 10; level 15 is the highest.

Also when I play, I mutter, shout, exclaim, and cheer random things like, “YUSS! TETRIS! Five lines in a row, baby!”, “How in the …. I didn’t even mean to do that!”, “Oh yeah! Watch what I’m fixin’ to do ta you!” (Who is you? Your guess is as good as mine.)

When I am playing this game, I get obsessed – obsessed! – with making those shapes fit perfectly together in multi-colored harmony. I don’t know if it’s because I have a serious affinity for clean lines and linear symmetry. Maybe it’s because Tetris is not one of those fantasy games I loathe. Whatever my reason is, the things that I shout during that game would lead anyone lacking knowledge of my Tetris obsession to believe I am watching the playoffs.

I have ignored the twins to the point where they were outside stacking wood with their siblings in nothing but tutus and snow boots (not for long, but still…). I have allowed my children to eat cereal for dinner so that I can allot time for defeating level 9. I have ignored texts and phone calls and emails during a Tetris session.

I have declined sex. For Tetris.

I think I need an intervention. Right after I beat level 10.

*Portabella mushrooms, asparagus, and zuccini sauteed in white wine, parsley, and a tiny bit of butter, tossed with whole wheat penne pasta and topped with fresh grated parmesan.
*Hot. Buttered. Rum.
*Wood heat.
*Coloring books and a fresh set of crayons. There is something so therapeutic about that combo.
*Old, tattered but super soft blankets.
*Bosley, who plants his enormous St. Bernard ass right at my feet and keeps them toasty warm.

I could sleep for days.

*I am surely dying of this chest cold. At least every time I cough, I sound like I am.

*My high heels are being put through the ringer. I swear, the girls in this house wear them more often than I do. They must also believe it is 1956, because the very first thing any of them do while wearing my heels is pick up the Swiffer.

*Between all the holiday flavors of coffee creamer, illness, working, and school leading to lack of consistent running, and all the eating-of-my-feelings I have partaken of, I am definitely going to weigh 498 lbs. by January 1st.

*I am resigned to the fact that even though I do my very best to keep myself away from gossip, I’m not above the laws of human nature. You will never convince me, though, that spreading an unconfirmed fact is ever better if it’s done through the guise of good samaritanship or “out of concern”. When you take out all the variables of feigned concern, your answer is still the same: sharing an unconfirmed fact is sharing an unconfirmed fact.

*Maybe it’s just me, but I’m fairly certain God does not care about who wins the Senate race. Maybe while you’re praying for Lisa Murkowski to win her write-in ballot campaign, you should pray for an end to world hunger. Maybe you’d be more effective in writing a letter to Lisa Murkowski asking her why she didn’t spend her remaining donations on the fight against hunger instead of her vain attempt to win the race she already lost. In short, if you are praying for a politician, you are not praying for peace of any kind.

*Road trip with my Candice. She even let me listen to my “funky obscure music” the entire way in to Fairbanks.
*True blue skies, Autumn wind, and trailing yellow leaves. Beautiful decorations and perfect scarf weather.
*The quirky secretary guy at the place where I got my nose pierced. The quirky guy who pierced my nose. Getting my nose pierced to the soundtrack of The Violent Femmes, “Why Can’t I Get Just One Kiss”. Candice holding my hand and cringing with me while that quirky cute dude stuck the needle through my cartilage. Realizing that getting my nose pierced didn’t actually hurt that bad.
*Finding the coolest hole-in-the-wall boutique (thanks quirky secretary guy from the piercing shop) and subsequently, The Necklace That Was Made For Me. Falling a little bit in love with the jewelry designer / owner of The Cat’s Meow.
*Shopping for jeans with Candice at Old Navy, and helping her realize that she does indeed look hotter in the jeans one size smaller than her old size.
*Shopping for books at Barnes and Noble with Candice and realizing that she is the biggest bookie on the planet. Loving her a little bit more!
*Shopping for groceries and discovering that you can indeed buy strawberry syrup in mass quantities.
*Shopping for (are you noticing a trend here?) baby shower items for a dear friend who will certainly have the most fashionably decorated baby shower in history.
*Finding the paperback edition of “Calvin and Hobbes: Sunday Pages 1985 – 1995″ for the bargain price of $6.98. Finding a book that has piqued Kody’s interest and being so incredibly proud of his choice: “The Moon is Down” by John Steinbeck.
*Eating meat — MEAT! — for dinner. From Carl’s Junior! And french fries! And root beer! I will say that when you stop eating stuff like meat and fast food, places like Carl’s Junior become guilty pleasures. I do think that was one of the best meals I’ve ever eaten. Just another reason to keep those kinds of guilty pleasure visits narrowed down to about once every two years or so.
*Driving home in the dark with the full moon illuminating Jupiter for the first time in decades. Being thankful to Candice for enduring my new favorite band, Mumford and Sons, the first half of the trip; and even enjoying her Sugarland and Reba for the second half. Also being thankful for my quick reflexes in slamming on the brakes just before the tail end of a bull moose crossed in front of the big blue Suburban. I was so busy belting out Sugarland’s version of “Come on Get Higher” that I almost missed his big ass!
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These kinds of great days come in many forms, and yesterday was the perfect blend of Autumn sights and smells, trailing scarves, good music, guilty pleasure food, the best of friends, great shopping and fun new people and places. It just couldn’t go unrecorded.